


things I wanted to say but never did

by feelingofthesea



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Death, First War with Voldemort, Hurt, M/M, POV Regulus Black, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29631360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelingofthesea/pseuds/feelingofthesea
Summary: They say when you’re old you’ll regret the things you didn’t do. Regulus suspects being about to die kind of is the same thing.
Relationships: Regulus Black/James Potter
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	things I wanted to say but never did

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LionLadyBee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LionLadyBee/gifts).



> I kept staring at your wonderful aesthetic, Britt and then this idea hit me and wouldn't leave me alone, so uhm... that's why this exists now. I feel slightly bad for gifting you something sad, I hope you enjoy it anyway!
> 
> I wrote that in approximately an hour, and then I didn't want to go back to check any canon facts, so please excuse me if I messed something up. 
> 
> Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. No profit is being made from this creation.

They say when you’re old you’ll regret the things you didn’t do. Regulus suspects being about to die kind of is the same thing.

***

 _There is something in the air, has been for a while. Riddle gains more and more power and Reg is_ fucking _scared.They long ago passed the limit of what he signed up for. Sirius hasn’t spoken to him in years and in his weaker moments he regrets to have never listened to him. He almost daily regrets giving in to those hazel eyes. Always sparkling with mischief, mirroring a burning fire when they look at him – still._

_With a sigh Regulus knocks at the door of the nondescript apartment. He knew from the moment the patronus burst into his bedroom that he wasn’t strong enough to stay away. The door opens before Regulus retreats his hand again. James Potter stands on the opposite side. His hair is messy as always, his brown eyes bore their gaze into Regs, James' lips are contorted in a deep frown._

_“Took you forever.“_

_Reg follows James inside of the apartment, after the other man just left him standing in the hallway. Of course it took him forever. Reg might have known that he wouldn't be strong enough to resist, but he for sure wouldn't_ fucking _show that the only thing James had to do was yell and he would come running. Inside the usual chaos welcomes him. People always assume James Potter is an organized, tidy person, because of how brilliant of an Auror he is. He is decidedly not. Clothes are scattered everywhere tons and tons of papers litter the table, a broom leans against the closet. In fewer words it is an absolute mess._

_What's new is the bottle of firewhisky on the nightstand. Reg arches a brow as he sees it and his gaze flickers to James. Reg realizes that James' pupils are blown wider than usual, a glassy shimmer clouding his eyes, a pretty red blush staining his cheeks._

_“You're drunk.“_

_James laughs humorless. “Not my fault I had to wait for you.“ He takes a few steps towards Reg and Regulus steps back in return. He shouldn't be here. He should just turn around, walk out of that damn door and leave. It's_ fucking _dangerous to be here. Riddle has people watched. There's no guarantee that he isn't watching Reg as well. No matter how much power the name Black used to hold, or maybe still holds. James takes another step closer and Reg feels his back hitting the wall._

_“Did somebody follow you?“ James' eyes are alert despite the alcohol and Reg exhales audibly. Of course James also knows that what they are doing is a risk. Reg still isn't completely sure if the risk is worth it._

_“I should ask you the same thing. Does someone know you are here?“_

_“Oh come on Reg,“ there's a hint of venom in James' voice and still his name falling from James' lips feels like the softest caress. “You know me better than that. I'm supposed to be back in the country tomorrow. You're the only one who knows I'm already here.“_

I'm here for you _is what James is saying without words. with his eyes. His whole face and even if this entire situation is fucked up, even if they could both lose their lives if they ever get caught, or worse. Even if Sirius is going to strangle James if_ he _ever finds out. For each other, that’s the reason why they are both here._

 _Not willing to hold back any longer Reg throws all caution to the wind, he grabs James' collar and_ _pulls him in, slanting his lips over James'._

_***_

Cold creeps into his bones and heavy dampness makes everything worse. The light is dim. Regulus gropes his way along the rough stone wall more than he can see anything. Fear constricts his throat, but he got so far, he can't give up now. 

***

_Kissing James has always been a thrill, nothing about that changed. It feels like falling, flying, dying and as if he has never been more alive. All at once. Not even the firewhisky Regulus can taste changes anything about that. He loses himself completely in the touch of their lips, the feel of James hand roaming his body, hastily because they can't decide where to touch him first, he reels in the warmth of their bodies. Until it hits him and he draws back._

_“Wait. Wait!“ he pushes out already breathless. “You said nobody knows you're back in the country yet. Not even...“ He trails off, not able to actually form the syllables to say his brother's name. Sirius has always been a sore point between them. James laughs another humorless laugh._

_“Don't be silly Reg,_ of course _he doesn't know I'm here.“_

_Of course not. Sirius would kill them both if he ever finds out. Another thing that's fucked up about whatever they're having with each other. There is this tiny part of him, that hopes Sirius does find out. Sees that he's changed. Accepts him as a brother again and supports them or some stupid shit. That they are family again, or whatever and that he can finally leave the excuse his parents have become behind. Bail on Riddle and his crazy plans, just get out of this mess he got himself into, because he was a stupid young boy. Hurt, alone and didn't know better._

_“Do you want to keep talking about my best friend and how he is going to_ eviscerate _me if he ever finds out that I'm fucking his little brother, who follows a lunatic and happens to be our enemy in this war, or do you want to continue what you came here for. I can remind you if you forgot, it's the part where I fuck you.“_

 _James' harsh words pull him out of his thoughts again and Reg opens his mouth for an answer._ I don't want to follow this lunatic anymore _, he wants to say._ I hate everything about this war _, he wants to say. I_ don't want to be your enemy _, he wants to say._ I want out _, he wants to say. He says none of it. He just presses his body against James' again and takes, demands another all consuming kiss._

 _James’ words sting, he has a tendency to be crass when he's drunk and Reg realizes James is probably more drunk than he first thought. The thing is though, James is also less careful when he's this drunk. He lets his facade slip. Reg can't tell if it's intentional or not, but these are rare moments where it almost feels like James could love him if things were different. It makes Reg want to say things like,_ I care about you too, I might even love you, I don't want to see you hurt, let's run away and just forget that you are good and I am not. 

_He says none of that either. He just kisses James with more desperation than before. Claws his fingers in James skin harder, leaves marks and hopes to leave a part of himself. Hopes the feeling of them together creeps under James' skin and stays there long after he's gone, because Reg is sure it's just a matter of time until he's going to die and he wants to be remembered for something different, than being the boy who did exactly what was expected of him and ended up serving a madman, following rules he didn’t believe anymore._

_***_

Reg knows that he's getting closer. The temperature keeps dropping. It's so cold he can see how his breath escapes in white puffs. Fear gets a hold of him, but he has to keep going, he has to do this. There were so many things he wanted to say and never did. There were so many things he should have done but didn't. He has to make up for them. Death doesn't feel that scary anymore if you face it for years. This time he at least knows what he's getting himself into. 

***

_James bites down on Regulus' shoulder – hard. He maneuvers Reg towards the small bed in the corner. It has always been like that, frantic, rough, fast. No time for romance or feelings. They are in the middle of a war after all, on different sides. Every time they meet it's like a collision and Reg is sure it leaves them more damaged than before. It doesn't matter, because he needs the feel of James' fingertips on his bare skin like he needs his next breath. He needs to see the look in James' eyes that tells him he isn't just a stupid kid, fighting for the wrong side. He needs to know that there is someone who sees that he's more than that. He needs the hope James’ proximity gives him to make it through another day. He needs the security he feels when his legs are wrapped around James' hip to not lose his mind. He needs the comfort of another person – James – to keep going at all._

_***_

Regulus takes one last deep breath, before he cuts through the skin of his hand and presses his bloody palm to the wall in front of him. “I love you, James. Please forgive me for all the things I wanted to say and never did.“ He whispers _,_ before he steps through the gap that just appeared. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Find me on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/feelingofthesea) or [Twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/feelingofthesea)!


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